I had made a decision six years ago to commit my life to the Lord, to serve Him, to love Him and most of all to live for Him. I committed despite being doubtful and being unprepared at all. What was running in my mind back then was, “If not now, when?” That’s why I stood up for it.
But it was undeniably a struggle. Being someone who is trying to find herself at that moment, I was so vulnerable with temptation. One moment I was on fire for the Lord, then afterwards I wasn’t. The world was continuously pulling me as I go away towards the opposite direction. Exhausting all my efforts of keeping the decision alive also exhausted my whole being. In short, I was burnt out. I was already committed to the Lord but I kept on sinning. My soul ached for being soaked in the ocean of my wrongdoings. I wallowed upon my own selfish interest putting myself before God and others. My soul cried out for the wrong desire of my heart. I forgot to do things for God’s glory in exchange of my own longing. My soul faced the door of death as I killed it with myself. I wasn’t aware of all this by that time because I was too engrossed with the things I want not on what I need. I wasn’t contented. I still long for something more.
Then through the hard way, God made me realized why. All along, I didn’t fully gave up my life to Him. I wasn’t able to let go of the things that wasn’t anymore necessary in following Him. There’s a thin line between the things you say and the things that you actually do, you know. And the worst part was I was doing things all by myself depending on no one but my strength. I was buried with the load I was carrying: self-pity, doubts, fears, hatred and even past experiences that I weren’t able to move on with because of guilt. Despite the Lord telling me to leave everything behind and just follow Him, I never did such wholeheartedly. I still chased the wrong things because my heart hasn’t changed at all. There was hesitation beyond my yes.
Fortunately, God knew all of it. He knew that I am weak. He knew I couldn’t resist every temptation that would come my way. Therefore, with His Divine grace, He provided me with the grace I needed as He said in 2 Cor. 12:9, “My grace is all you need, for my power is greatest when you are weak.”
Immediately, I paused to reevaluate myself. I assessed the depth of my desire. At the end of the day, I realized that sin had completely blinded me from the real desire of my heart. It caused me to stay in the ocean of despair letting my guilt consume me to never want me to leave at all. There was fear in me to let go because I wasn’t able to put my trust in the Lord. I still wanted to control my life because I thought I won’t be able to achieve my dreams if I were to give it up for the Lord. There was hesitation for me to understand the full meaning of submitting my life to the Lord because I thought I would be deprived of my freedom and that I won’t be my own person because I was to be controlled by the Him.
But I was completely wrong. In fact I am truly grateful to the Lord because He never gave up on me. It was a long process, the transformation of my heart. It was a journey full of ruts along the road that being so unfamiliar with the path I was walking in, I kept on falling along the way. I got hurt from my own choices glorifying the self but through the pain as well, I’ve learned to surrender. Although not abruptly, God molded my heart, and piece by piece the extra load was removed from me. Slowly, I got to see His fullness. I felt to have undergone an eye surgery to restore my 20/20 vision making me see clearly and purely what God has to offer to me: His undying love.
From then, I relied on God’s words and I surrendered to Him my heart and even my whole self. It was so challenging specially in the beginning. If I didn’t fully grasped what it means to let go and let God, my surrender would be without meaning at all. Senseless. Pointless. I would be easily swayed with the comforts of the world. But knowing that at my weakest there is a God whose strength never ceases I know my heart is in the right place. Because trusting to Him everything only mean He is my King. Yes, JESUS is my King.